How it went for me......

Clinton sat me down and told me he was being deployed to Iraq in august of 04 we decided to not tell the kids until we had to. With him having sole custody and being deployed for a year he had 2 choices. One was to give Susan back temporary custody or to have me sign guardianship for her while he was gone. I told him I didn’t want the headache this girl always started and what she would say to Alisha about stuff. But if he gave her temporary custody she could get back full custody of Alisha again. Neither of us wanted that so I did sign the papers and decided to deal with whatever would come our way. That was my first of many mistakes I would make now that I can look back at the what if’s. What if I didn’t sign? Well, he wouldn’t have ended up in Iraq that’s for sure.
In late September he started the training to make him into a driver for the convoys he would ultimately lead.
The end of September he left for Alabama and that is when the big stress started. Susan got her typical attitude and did nothing but cause problems making it so much harder for us to get through what would be an awful time for us and the girls. The day the shit hit the fan was when she found out Clinton was gone for 3 weeks and she tried to pick her up early from school. With him having sole custody she couldn’t do whatever she felt like doing to get back at him all of the time. So I got a call at school on my cell saying that Susan was causing a major problem at school and that they couldn’t get in touch with Clinton. I told them that she is to pick Alisha up at the house so she could get her meds and drop off her school stuff since she never did her homework when she was at her moms or she would leave part of it there
Welp they took Alisha off of the bus and decided to make this way worse then what it should have been. I called the sheriff to come out and stay with me so I knew that Susan wouldn’t try to kill me like she had threatened to do to Clinton and me many times before.
So the sheriff and I sat here and he was going to hide out and wait to see if she tried anything. But unfortunately they had told her at the school that a sheriff would be out here at the house. So we all stood in the front yard waiting for the crazy girl to show up and see what was going to happen
The principal Alisha deputy whitehead and I stood in the front yard waiting for her to show. And it was a lil bit of confrontation but I hated to see Alisha leave with her. So Susan let me know I was nothing and no one to Alisha and never would be and that the school had told her Clinton was out of state and that she would be getting her from school until he got back then she would talk to him about taking Alisha back while he was gone
So after all had left I stood in my front yard not knowing what to do I felt like I was having a heart attack. I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't focus and I thought I am going to die right here in my front yard.....How the hell am I going to handle Clinton being gone for a year in that God forsaken country. This is where I discovered Zoloft. Regardless of the stereotypical thought of this antidepressent it became my friend. I could function and lead a semi normal life without falling in a heap when my fears were coming true with each passing day. You know the one...the he will not come back to me fear we miliary wives would have.


Mid December they left for Mississippi. That would be when the trips back and forth started. He got to come back for 3 days for Christmas and then I went down for new years for the stupid reasoning of whatever your are doing or who you were with at midnight New Years you will have them the following year too. Little did I know I would have him but just in a different way then what I had hoped for.
Several times he and I world try to talk about what ifs….he didn’t come back or he changed or I didn’t need him anymore. It was something that we both thought about but never imagined it would really happen. The last time we talked openly was when he was in for his 2 weeks.
He said whatever you do it won’t matter really. If I am that bad I won’t really be there anyway. But make sure you keep me around for as long as you and the girls need me and make sure you keep me around so I can leave a better retirement for you. I told him I would never find anyone else to be with because I knew he was the one for me and that God wouldn’t take him away from us. He said no if I die you go on and find someone. If God wants me here then I will be here and if he takes me home then there will be someone else that you needed more. We started to cry so we stopped talking. For the first time I seriously thought he’s not going to come back. He knew it too.
Well we sent him his birthday stuff and he got it for sure. We found the pictures he took of his lil goodies that the girls had made for him and the hunting DVD’s I had gotten for him.
On sept 9th he called around 615 that morning. He said he was leaving on a mission and would try to call me sometime that weekend to talk to Sarah. Since he left Alisha had to go to her mother’s every weekend and never got to talk to her on the weekends anymore
He asked if the girls were up or still in bed. It was a late night the night before so they were sleeping in as late as I could let them. He said that was fine and to let them know he loved them and that he would call back this weekend to talk more and call again in the week to talk Alisha.
We chatted a bit more then he had to go and we got to tell each other we loved one another then had to go. I will always hate the fact he didn’t talk to his baby girls and I didn’t tell him to stay safe. This conversation was the only time that I didn’t tell him to stay safe and come back home to us. It’s stupid but I feel like if I had said that it wouldn’t have happened. But I know he was as safe as he could be over there.
Sunday afternoon I had sat down and was looking over the yard to make sure I hadn’t skipped any weeds in the yard when I heard the phone ring in the house. Sarah answered and said a few things and then said hang on let me get my mom.
She came out on the front porch and said mom an army guy is calling asking if you have talked to dad. I was used to getting odd phone calls since his deployment. DOD would call to check in or the guard would. So it wasn’t a red flag but still odd none the less.
As I talked to the young man on the other end I noticed he was asking some weird questions. Like have you talked to your soldier today? I said well he is supposed to call this weekend but I haven’t heard anything as of yet. When was the last time you talked to him I said Friday morning at 6 or so. What was he doing after you talked to him, he was going on another mission and would try calling when they got there.
Then he dropped a big bomb on me and said well your soldier has been in an accident. I said what kind o accident. He said I am not sure but he was injured. I thought ok this is not unbearable. We can deal with this. Broken bones bruises it’s all going to be ok. Hell if it would get him out of that place for a while then we can conquer whatever his injuries would be.
I asked what are his injuries and how did it happen? He said that Clinton had a contusion to the right side of his head and other injuries. I said well how did he get hurt and how is he doing now. He said he hadn’t received that information yet but then I heard someone in the background and then he said ok I have more information. He has a collapsed lung and shrapnel injuries as well. I said how did this happen….and I was losing it inside but needed to hear what exactly had happened to my husband.
He said the cause of the “accident’ was a roadside bomb detonating near his vehicle. Without knowing how that can affect HIM sitting in the humvee I asked how did it hurt him though…..it was a remote controlled IED. The shrapnel pierced the side of his truck and struck him in the right side of his head. The device itself was the size of a snuff can. That power it held to go through the side of the truck still amaze me as well as other "civilians" having never seen one detonate I am sure.
At that moment I knew he wasn’t going to make it. In my heart I knew I had lost him and the girls’ lives would never be the same and life wasn’t freakin fair! God didn’t have a hand in this surely. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. This is the man I loved and we were supposed to grow old together and hold our grandkids on the front porch and do things that we never had the time for when we were retired. What is this bullshit I was getting from some young punk that didn’t know his ass from a hole in the ground calling my number telling me this about my husband. Now I am losing it. Don’t let him die. It’s not his time. I want to speak with the doctor working on him now. His response was I will try but he is down range and I am not sure he can. I told him to get it going.
After a few minutes low and behold he was on the line. This only because he was calling in updates on those injured at Camp Anaconda where he was that I got to talk to him. He said there was no hope for him to recover at all and that they were just waiting for him to expire before moving him back to the states. I told him no. that wasn’t acceptable and he was everything to us and he should try harder. He said he would get the latest update on him and call me back. Once again I was talking to the DOD in D.C. He at this moment only asked if I had anyone with me. I said yeah my 11 year old daughter. He said well call and get someone there with you and I will make sure to call you when dr Young calls back with the update.
I just hit redial on my phone and it all started from there. Eugene was the first because he was the last I spoke to on the phone. Then it was mom and then Linda his sister. Then I called our minister.
Keeping in mind this is September 11th our church always did a remembrance ceremony for the fallen emergency responders and the soldiers. Well of course I couldn’t get in touch with him because they were setting everything up for the ceremony that afternoon. But within an hour the youth pastor was here in his place and he would be out as soon as the ceremony was over. In the meantime people started showing up in hordes. There was nothing short of 50 people here within a few hours. I knew every last one of them they were all our friends Our truest friends.
The phone calls coming in were nonstop and Pastor Doug took that over. Giving people the generic version of what was going on and getting my flight plans straightened out. I was packed and ready and if it wasn’t clean then mom was washing it.
During the time of calling and people showing up I called Susan. Of course she gave it to Alisha to answer. I told Alisha I loved her but I needed to talk to her mom. Susan asked what I wanted and I told her that Clinton had been injured and I needed Alisha here with us so she could feel close to what was going on and I wanted to get a phone next to him to hear us say good bye if we needed to and to let him know how much we loved him. She was at that moment the nicest most understanding person I had ever talked to. I am not sure where the other Susan went but she could stay gone and help with this.
When she showed up although no one shunned her they invited her in she wouldn’t. I told her she needed to stay put until I got the next call so they could tell me exactly what was going to happen and that way I could tell the girls. But I would need her for Alisha as well as Alisha having me and all the others that had always been there for us all.
The phone rang and Doug came out and said it’s dr Young. So I took the phone out to the back porch and talked to him. He said that they would fly him out but he probably would not make the flight in to Germany because of the cabin pressure with his icps being so high anyway. Icp stands for Innercranial Pressure. At this point his pressure was 7-10. But they expected once he got to Germany and his numbers were good then they would operate on him. Funny thing with all of what was happening to him his BP never wavered his heart rate never failed his oxy level was great even considering he had drainage tubes put in to relieve the fluid building up and the fact that he had taken a shard of shrapnel to his right lung causing it to collapse.
Well I told him, the dr, that I needed a phone brought to Clinton’s ear so we could talk to him. He refused. Later it was in the paperwork written by him that I refused to speak to Clinton although he had offered to do so. So when I see that SOB I will take care of him. Never did I or anyone else say we didn’t want to speak with him.
Well after he said what he had to say and couldn’t get a phone to Clinton and couldn’t promise he would make it to Germany I decided to just tell the girls he wasn’t going to make it and that was what they needed to be ready for.
At midnight they had started working on him in Germany. They removed his pieces of skull that were crushed from the impact. Also the embedded shrapnel and the skull that was in the brain itself were removed. This included part of his frontal and temporal lobes to be removed because of the damage from the initial injury as well as the fact they didn’t start relieving the pressure inside his skull until he got to Germany. The skull is jagged and when you have swelling and the cerebral fluids are raising it shoves the brain into the skull and in turn causes secondary injury. This is what was happening to Clinton. They at a point said you know he could survive if the left side wasn’t damaged. The best case scenario would be weakness in the left arm and legs. I thought God give this to me I can handle it.
But it also depended on what would happen as the swelling and pressure went down and if the brain stem had any damage what so ever. The brain stem controls your basic functions.
In the between time of all of this it was dark and a load of guys from CSMS had shown up and Mechelle had finally been reached by the Army to let her know what had been happening. Unfortunately, Rob was home on leave and going back the next day. I just felt so bad for him.
So she, Jennifer and I had gone back to the bedroom to make private phone calls to the correct people to get my passport in order and to make sure my flight was booked. I wanted to leave and be in Germany ASAP but it just couldn’t work that way. It killed me to know he was there with people that didn’t love him and had him dead as soon as they saw him. How right can that be? They didn’t know how Clinton was or who he was.
Most everyone cleared out by midnight or so. It had quieted down and mom had stayed and got Sarah to sleep and Alisha and Linda were up talking a lil bit. At 3 I got a phone call letting me know he was stable and expected to be that way until I got there. I had gotten a flight out at noon on Monday to go to Wash. D.c. for my passport then on to Paris for a 2 hour layover and then into Frankfurt Germany and then I would be driven to Landstuhl to the military hospital that the injured go to until they are stable enough to make the flight on home to the states.
The journey over was hard to deal with but for the obvious reasons I couldn’t sleep I couldn’t eat. I had stopped crying because my eyes were so swollen I had no more tears.
Once we got to the hospital though it all came back that it is real and that it’s right there in my face. I walked in and the nurse wanted me to be prepared for what I would see. I told her I just wanted to be with him and that is it. When I walked in the shock of it all just made me fall to my knees. I couldn’t believe the man that was always healthy and could handle so much on his shoulders couldn’t open his eyes and was going to have a hard road to come out of this.
I couldn’t imagine how swollen he was from his whole body was being pumped with fluid. His head was three times its normal size. I never thought it could swell so large.
I immediately got over the shock and put it away. I am not there for myself but for him. I began to massage his hands and feet. They were so damn cold no circulation to any extremities due to all the swelling and fluid. They had stopped all meds to see if he would react to pain and start to come out of the coma he was in. In fact he had been in it since the bomb hit him. The guys said once the initial explosion was over they went to him and told him to wake up sort of smacked him on his cheek but once they saw all the blood they knew it wasn’t good.
For the next three days I sat by his side only leaving to smoke and get another drink. When they told me he was going to have to leave that is when I decided to go wash and bathe to get ready. When I had come back I just noticed how beautiful this place was. I was amazed at how blue the skies were how crisp the air was and how it stayed 70 degrees all the time and rained every day. I went back up to his room after going through the check point at the hospital where there were only German military checking those that came in. They spoke no English……not good for me to have to deal with if they had a question.
I entered his room after washing my hands and they had the shades open and he had been all cleaned up and the swelling had gone down just a bit for me to notice. They let me know that they would be transporting him at 3 am to the military airport there in Landstuhl. But there were men there to offer the Purple Heart on behalf of the US Army. So I agreed to have it given to him prior to the flight so there would be no chance of it being presented posthumously.
They spoke the typical words to a man they didn’t know but I am sure had admiration for him and what he had to endure for his Country. They laid it on the pillow next to him and walked out of the room.
I wanted so bad to whisper in his ear and tell him how much I loved him and how proud I was of him and all that he had done and would continue to do because he wasn’t done yet. I knew because the night prior to this particular morning I was sitting on his right side talking to him over the sounds of the typical hospital equipment. I was holding his hand and rubbing it and his arm tracing the tattoo on his arm with my finger, I was telling him to do what he could to come on out of this and how much we loved him and how strong I knew he was. I told him to squeeze my hand and I would keep this going I would fight with every fiber of my soul I could.
He did it! By God he squeezed my hand. I stopped for a second just to see if it were just an odd coincidence. So after a bit I told him again Clinton if you hear me squeeze my hand to let me know.
Three seconds and he squeezed. I thought hell no..... I am not going to lay down and let him die. If that little bit of swelling that had come down made this kind of difference then we will take it further.
Well I wanted to lean over to him but couldn’t reach him and I had wanted to kiss him but couldn’t reach in that far. His bed was up too high and way too many tubes to try and get to him safely. The morning we left Landstuhl it was of course pouring rain but I was never so relieved to be flying him back to the states, even though I knew that he wouldn’t be going back to Kentucky I had a more confident feeling in where he was going and I needed my own life support.
They started loading the big bus up and hanging the guys on their cots along the sides of the bus and locking them down, Vern took my luggage and himself on to the commercial flight because I wanted to stay with Clinton just in case something went wrong on the trip back over on the c130.
He had developed diabetes insipidus right before his flight. So they gave him hormones to offset his releasing all of the fluids at once. This was a bad sign that his brain stem was damaged or that another part of his brain was damaged that was further into the center meaning he had deeper injury. Although the nurse told me that yes he could function with DI but would have to be monitored closely from now on. Where he would start to dump fluids was not only detrimental to his body as a whole but his electrolytes and sodium was very important to maintain at the right levels for the brain itself. The shot they gave would add a hormone Vasopressin to his body and trick it back to stopping the release of his fluids.
So with a shot of his cocktail of drugs to keep him alive, off we went. The flight was horrific. I am not sure how many family members have flown back with their loved ones on such a trip but although I am glad I was with him I was astonished by the animalistic way they hung them and transported these injured near death heroes home. While loading the injured into the plane the rain was seeping and dripping through the roof.
He laid there with nothing more than a pillow case covering his privates. The flight doc wouldn’t let me stand next to him and offered me a wool blanket, for the ride was going to get quite cold and I would need it since all I had was a gray sweatshirt. I told him to cover Clinton with it and it would all be fine and he said no that he couldn’t, because of his fever. At the hospital he started getting this fever. 101 and up. They wouldn’t give him anything because there was no use to. I asked why and they said that the likely hood of him making the flight once again it probably wouldn’t matter. Thus the idea of keeping him uncovered.
I tried a few different times to cover him with my blanket but the man only got upset with me and I told him if Clinton couldn’t be covered then I didn’t want that either. He told me that was stupid. Also telling me to go sit down because of the turbulence. I went to sleep for only a few minutes to regain a lil strength for the lack of sleep since the 11th. It was now I think the 16th.
When I woke up I figured out why I did….the air was so cold I could see my breath. It wasn’t right he lay over there and was literally freezing to death. The injured soldier next to him had begun to flail about and at one point I thought he was going to hit Clinton. After looking closer at the man I noticed he had only one arm left and no legs. Not counting the fact he had burns and injuries over his body as well. So I just watched and wondered if they would do anything for that injured soldier and nope they couldn’t administer anything to him until the flight was over and the paramedics got him.
After the flight of 9+ hours we finally landed at Andrews Airbase. I didn’t want to leave him but they said no to me riding with him to Bethesda Medical Center. Immediately I was met by Lt Col. Pope as the backend of the plane descended. I had never met him and didn’t really care to meet him. But none the less he was there to help with the burden we had been handed and I appreciated him for that.
He introduced himself and asked what I needed. I said I needed Mechelle and Michelle a cigarette and a DT dew. He said all of those things can be done right now. So off we went to find them. I was never so happy the past few days then when I saw them get out of the truck and run over to hug and hang on tight for me to fall apart for a second. They said whatcha need and Pope handed them money and said whatever she wants. SO off we went to get lost on the base and finally find what I was needing right then..... a food mart.
We finally got back to the Naval hospital and got to be with his family and tell them what was going on and what they were going to do. I found out quickly that I didn’t like all the docs in charge of him that night and that they just looked and shook their head and moved on to tell us there was nothing to do. That most of the guys come on out of it by now and he was in a coma.
That night we freaked out the whole ICU ward. Clinton comes from a large family. Someone had given us a blessed quilt to lie over Clinton and pray as we held hands. SO we all went back there like 20 of us! They threw us out after we were finished praying and I went to get something to eat with Mechelle and Michelle. Of course I still couldn’t eat. My stomach was in knots. So I picked over a salad and called it a meal. I checked into the rooms that were there for the family to stay in and thought ok his whole family is there an there is no need for me to sit there with all of them. We never got along and I knew it wasn’t going to change now. SO I slept that night. About 5 am I got up showered and went over to see if I could get in. OF course they let me but they were only being nice because that was our first day there. So I sat there and watched him. He just looked like he was asleep. He was looking like the same old Clinton more and more each day as the swelling went down. He was always so handsome. And as Mechelle and Michelle noticed he had the cutest lil button nose. That was one of my favorite features on him. That and his hands. Large, rough, working hands. HE was no slouch.
For whatever reason I noticed too that I could get to him to kiss him on his cheek. So I did. A lot! He would lift that side of his cheek when I would. Like I was tickling him. It was so cute.
I saw that I was falling in love with him all over again.
Day 3 at Bethesda and it happened….his eyes opened. I thought OH THANK YOU GOD!!! I had prayed for this! It was happening an awakening.
His nurse Seri was of Asian decent and not any bigger then Sarah really. I walked in that morning and noticed him with his eyes open and with her accent she said …..Ohhhhh Mrs. Cubert you need to start fixing makeup now!! Look at those blue eyes! I kept asking is this good? They would say yes and no but start getting things that were familiar to him. Voices smells sounds everything.
So me being me, I called and told the guys at CSMS to get their butts up there that we needed them. So in a matter of less than 24 hours the first crew came in. Stayed with him all night and all the next day then had to go back so the next bunch could come. With the wars they had so many still deployed and all the work that was coming back that had to be fixed on the humvees and other vehicles not all could come at once.
After a week there were more wounded coming in and them being marines Clinton needed to move on to wramc. That was such a blow to us. Bethesda was the one to be at for head/brain injury. They had removed his icp indicator. He had gotten to where he was maintaining nothing higher than a 4 which was ok. They said that is why his eyes were opening. The swelling was coming down and the relief of the pressure was off of the brain stem. So now we should begin to see what was really happening with him.
So of course he was moved to WRAMC that night. It was an awful place for him to be. It was unclean and they just didn’t care.
This is where things are going to get crazy. Not that it hasn’t been already though.
He was in the SICU for a while. The soldier next to him was dying. He had a brain injury as well. He was Scottish so of course that is all we heard the whole time we were next to him. Loudly…but I thought well if that is what needs to be done for him then let them do it.
General Storm was coming up to see the other soldier that had been injured from Kentucky and had asked if he could come see Clinton and me as well. Of course it was fine.
So the next morning I walked in and let them know that Gen Storm was coming in to see Clinton. Well it was fine of course but the room was an absolute wreck. He was dirty the room was dirty and I was livid. How in the hell can they let a soldier lay there in his condition and be so filthy and unorganized.
Well I had to meet Gen Storm at 9 so I left to meet him downstairs and walk up with him to the SICU.
I told him how Clinton had been treated so poorly and he said he would take care of it and not to worry.
When we reached the Unit I went on in to make sure Clinton was presentable for him and the other dignitaries that were there. General Storm stopped at the front desk to get the latest update for Clinton. Well he came in with a very long somber face. I didn’t think anything of it because it is hard to see how these guys are coming back. He leaned over and talked to Clinton in a very low voice and Clinton did a little lean up to where the voice was coming from.
Low and behold the nurses at the front desk told General Storm the wrong prognosis. They told him about the soldier next to us and not about Clinton. That was only one of many screw ups from that hospital.
There were so many things everyday it would take forever to type everything. Every time I broke down because of their stupid mistakes they would call psych down to deal with me. I told them I wouldn’t go off if they were taking care of my husband the way he deserved and needed to be. They would stop his Vasopressin just because he didn’t need it. The heck he didn’t he had gotten so dehydrated that they couldn’t find a vein. I thought oh my God they have killed him for sure. They ended up calling someone from pediatrics to find a vein that they could start pumping IV fluid back in him to get his sodium down and his electrolytes up. They had given him his steroid/hormone vasopressin already. So he had slowed down on his emptying the fluid in his body. What is so bad about this is they thought it had to do with the protruding skin where his skull was missing. That was a whole different issue. Hoped it was going to take care of itself because the only other option was surgery to place a balloon like the one they used for an angioplasty to keep the chamber open. If they got in there and it wasn’t that then that meant it was damaged beyond repair and the only thing to do was to let him die. So that had nothing to do with the Vasopressin he was to have.
Well the men weren’t even “real” docs and they were taking orders from another one that didn’t even know Clinton. All they knew about him was his patient number and his chart. You can’t heal someone if you never actually see them.
The girls had come for their first visit a few days earlier. Now they were seeing their dad die right before their eyes. How detrimental was that going to be?
After things were taken care of Linda Clinton’s sister took the girls and David to go see all the sights in Wash D.C. All o f the Smithsonian institutes there next to the hospital (or close to it). Shortly after this incident he was moved back to SICU. That is when the nurse taking care of him said to let him go. I told her every situation was different and I appreciated her very much for what she had been through and what she was doing for Clinton but it wasn’t his time yet. I owed to him and to the girls to see if he would get better
After 24 hours they moved him back to the MICU. That is where he started to make his most aggressive steps as far as movement and reactions. I was speaking to the Neurologist in the room next to Clinton’s bed. Clinton laid there very still not a simple movement at all. Once the doc left I told him honey you can’t keep getting all still when the docs are here. They need to see you are trying. He opened his eyes and leaned up in my direction. I said what do you want? Do ya want me to give you a kiss on the lips? SO I did and he lay his head back down. Low and behold the doc had gone out to look at his chart to double check things and he watched the interaction between Clinton and me. He came back in and motioned for me to come outside the room. I told Clinton I would be right back and to listen to his hunting movie. I swear I think he did hahahaha.
He said how long has he been doing this? I said well he had shown signs of it since the first day he was here. He asked why they didn’t put it in his chart. I said because they never come to see him for any amount of time or they don’t believe me when I tell them he did it.
He said well let’s go in and you tell him to do some things for me. I said sure will. So as he stood there I just took what I had seen the others do and started commanding him to do things. Things like saying his name and see how he responded squeeze my hand wiggle toes and fingers. Last but not least lean up and give me a kiss Clinton. And so he did. So the doc said well we may just have something here. He said usually he had wives trying to end it before giving the soldier a chance to recover and now he was telling me to do the same. I said not once had that entered my mind. I told him Clinton and I had an agreement to give him all the time as well as us and that is what I was going to do. He deserved that and I was going to make all the decisions I felt would be the best for all of us. Neither the military nor the hospitals would make me do something I was not going to be comfortable with. It wasn’t up to them. They received a copy of his Living Will and came to me with it and pointed out that he didn’t want what I was doing. I told them to read on and they would find in there that he wanted me to hold off as long as I could for him to receive better retirement benefits. That is what I was doing and they could not tell me I had to honor that one paragraph because of what the other said.
It was hard the first time the girls saw him. I had tried to hold them off as long as I could. I wanted them to see him looking as normal as possible. Mom and Dad brought them for the first time. They didn’t know what to expect either. The doctor’s were outside the door so mom and dad talked to them. I hated that time of day. When the coats would walk through and mumble about how each patient is doing then walk on after staring through the window at me like I was the dumbest wife in denial they had ever seen.
They told mom and dad that there was no hope and to talk to me about stopping it. I couldn’t help but to get mad at mom and dad because I felt they too were talking about me and how stupid I was to keep this going. But no one else knew what Clinton and I had talked about so it wasn’t up to them it was up to me. To do what he and I talked about. Nobody else was in this relationship except for him and me and for once I wanted everyone to butt out and let us do what we needed to do.
The girls had brought up his DVD’s and the nurses in the CICU got us a player to use. It was really great. I noticed right off who was going to be what to him. Alisha was the mother. Sarah was the nurse.
They drug up chairs on either side and didn’t want to leave his side. I freaking love those girls! They would get used to all of the sounds and behaviors that would come, to the point of making us laugh instead of getting scared. We could get used to this, all of us could. They talked to him and read to him and told him how great he was. Sarah started to learn how to keep his trach clear and made sure that all who entered the room washed their hands and were clean. Even the doctors and nurses. Alisha would read to him and keep his DVDs going. Both would put lotion on him and do the ROM (range of Motion) he needed done 2 or 3 times a day.
They left a few days later and honestly I was glad they did. As much as they needed reassurance I was tired of them asking me. I tried to be supportive but I was too spent. I couldn’t do it. I needed them to leave so I could refocus my effort on Clinton. Although Linda was there it was my duty and job to be with him. Linda is a nurse and knew the jargon they would speak and things to ask at times that I wouldn’t have known to.
So the next few days I stayed day and night to work harder with him since I had neglected a lot of it while the girls were there. When he would “sleep” I would sleep. The rest of the time I would just watch and see what he was doing to see what I would do with him.
His right eye had been blown due to the explosion so we knew for a fact he would never see out of that eye. They didn’t do much while he was there at WRAMC. It would be only in Florida before they were very concerned about his sight or lack thereof. Back when he was in Bethesda optometrist came in and poked his eye with a q-tip to see if there was any reaction. He did twitch but that was not the most professional way to do it. I wonder how these people ever got through school, you know?
There was only a slight detection of dilation in his left eye. Which would do no good considering the right side of the brain always runs the opposite side of the body itself. So the ocular part if very damaged would not be helpful to his chance of sight in his left eye.
Well, the time had come where with his bit of reaction to commands they said he would have to move on to a different facility. Now honestly I didn’t start to keep up with how many times they moved him until we were to go to the VA in Florida. I had read everything I possibly could on brain injury and all I could see that was a consistent issue with brain injured patients was consistency. Meaning the people around him, caregivers, even the family members. The changing of rooms constantly may have been hurting him more than anything. So that was my next issue with the hospitals. To stop moving him from room to room and let him get settled into a nice quiet environment that he could heal in. I wanted only those that had experience with brain injured patients to work with him. That will play into the story later in Kentucky.
Well there was this black guy that was a physical therapist. He ws every bit 275 + lbs and 6'4"+ I wish I could remember his name. He was a great guy! He said one day….want me to blow your mind and make you happy? I said well sure!
He said be here at 10 in the morning I have an idea. I said okay and don’t let me down! He said oh I won’t trust me!
Well of course I usually go there at 8 because that was the earliest they would let me come in to see him. After the docs made their rounds and the nurses had changed out shifts and updated on the patients from the night before. So I was sitting in his room with him and talking to him about how I was going to finally have him all to myself for my birthday when the therapist came in and said I told you not to be here until 10. I said get used to it because I never listen to anyone anymore! He laughed a big belly laugh and said well since you are here this is the plan. I have a cardiac chair that we are going to see if we can get him in to sit up for a while today.
We had to keep a check on his BP and the pressure in his head. Like if we get light headed you lose balance or worse you throw up. Neither one of them needed to happen. I asked why now and why today did you decide to do this? He said they (nurses) haven’t told you what they have had to do? I said oh my God no. What has been happening….automatic panic. I started this on the 11th of September and still do it until this day. HE said no no no no it’s all good honey. Seems that Cornbread here has been trying to get out of bed. I said what? He said yep they had to keep a close eye on him because they would come in and his legs would be over the side of the bed. I was so damn happy I couldn’t do nothing but cry. I turned to Clinton and said do it, get your ass up out of that bed and walk baby. Could you just imagine if he did that?
So that is why the therapist decided to try sitting him up. So I sat in a chair and they told me to get as close to the bed as possible so I could hold him against me. It had been such a long time since I felt him like that. I couldn’t do nothing but bawl my eyes out. I told them to put his arms on my shoulders just so I could feel his arms around me again. We all sat and stood there just crying. They put a helmet on him and slowly moved his legs to either side of my knees. God he looked good sitting up. He was taking it well too. So the therapist said Amy tell him to do something. So I told him to look at me. He tried we saw him try and we all said whoa. So I told him I saw him trying so hard but let us try something easier. The next one was for him to wiggle his toes. After about 3 seconds he wiggled them. I was so happy and proud of him. So the therapist said ok well make it harder just a bit for him to follow the next command. So I told Clinton to pat his foot. Of course he did. Not like you and I would but it was meant to be a pat and not a wiggle. The therapist said oh my goodness there are miracles going on in this room today! He told me to tell him to lift his head one more time. So I said Clinton do you want a kiss? If you do, lift your head. And of course he did. Ever so slightly but to go from commands for his foot to commands for him to lift his head it was definitely a proper response. He never ceased to amaze me through all of this. When they said he couldn’t he always would, not on their level but on what was good for him.
Well after about 15 minutes they decided it was time for him to lay back down. So out of curiosity he plugged his trach with his finger and said Cornbread got any noises for me today? How did it feel?
He never made a sound but you could hear him forcing air out of his throat and watching him moving his mouth. So that would be something that might come later on. I so wanted to hear his deep, deep voice. It was always so sexy and soothing. He was a country boy with a twang that would go on forever.
Well needless to say he was done for a while. Although still considered in a coma he still had his sleep patterns. So he would sleep more hours then be “awake”. It was obvious he was going to be out for a while so I took this time to leave and do some shopping. It was close to my birthday and thought I would treat myself to clothes that fit me better than the ones I had. It was colder and I hadn’t had a chance to really switch out because I couldn’t leave. Not that I would have even if I could but they said I would lose all the funding for me to stay with him if I was to leave. But like I said I wasn’t going anywhere. No way was I going to chance him taking a turn for the worse and me be 9 hours away.
So I went to Old Navy and picked up some things and called it my birthday gift. I had been walking on cloud 9 all day! It was fantastic what he had done. I shared it with whomever I could talk to. Of course it was always met with pessimism by several of the ones I called. But I wanted someone to be happy with me and for Clinton. I guess they were just not as sure about me and what I saw but I still told them the details of everything. A few were gracious and cried happy or sad...whatever the moment called for.
When I got back he was still sleeping and things were looking good as far as his numbers were concerned so I went to the cafeteria and ate. First time I had actually eaten for fun and not out of need for my well being.
After my dinner and smoke and a few more phone calls I went back up to his room. Well the speech therapist had come in and was going to show me how to cap his trach to help get him used to breathing normally instead of using the trach for anything other than suctioning. So she went over it with me and I did it myself so she could watch how well I did it or if I needed to have more practice at it. We decided I would only do this when they came in to see him for evaluations. Then once I was totally comfortable then I could do it when I thought he was working to talk or make sounds.
Well I guess it was a few days before Thanksgiving when they came in and met with me and said that he would be leaving right before the holiday to fly to the James A Haley VA in Tampa Florida. I asked if it was the best place for him and what he needed or was there one better. There were only 5 to choose from and then it was only if they Ok’d it. A lot of time they only went by where the soldier was originally from to where he would be transferred to. I had heard that the best would be the one in Minnesota but they would never take him due to the fact of the distance. So the next best would be Tampa.
Mom and dad brought Sarah up for one last visit prior to us leaving and of course to take a lot of stuff that I had accumulated since I had been there since mid September and tried to make a “home”. Sarah and I had a little time together and then it was time to leave. We were traveling by ambulance then to a small airport and getting on a helicopter to fly to Tampa. Just glad they didn’t make us get back on a C130 again. So we had 2 nurses on board and 2 pilots on this one. They watched him carefully the whole way and were very good to me as well. It was a long trip but quite comfortable compared to what he went through to get there and what was yet to come.
He didn’t have to be suctioned once which was good. No meds no change in BP or other stats. When we were getting close to landing I noticed the change in scenery. We were making a loop over the bluest water and the clouds were terrific. You got to see the marshes as well. All I could think is would it be awesome to see alligators, the real ones. Not sure why but yeah that is what I was thinking.
Well so there we were in Florida. Not the prettiest of places. I was really surprised. We landed at the airbase and took an ambulance on to James A Haley. The EMT that was driving us to the VA gave me a brief tour as we went and told me the streets and areas to stay out of while we were there. Many places were fine but after dark I need not be out. We finally got there and as they were getting him settled in on the 2nd floor I got to meet a special guy and his dog. He was very rude at first. I mean very. His name was Steve. He was in a wheelchair and had a therapy dog that did things he was unable to do.
He blustered a few things out then left after handing me a large amount of reading material. After I got to say goodnight to Clinton my patient advocate told me where I would be staying.
This would only be the beginning of a long stay with what used to be a holiday inn in Tampa.
The first night for me was horrible. It was a large hotel with lots of different bldgs. I had 2 large suitcases that I ended up having to carry from the front desk to the other side of the last building in the complex. I was just so tired from the day I just wanted to get in the bed and die. Welp, I walked in and the room appeared to be in order. No big issues with anything. Clean towels toilet TV worked fine. So I got into the shower to wash off the stress and the flight and sweat from packing my stuff a 1/3 mile to the room.
I came out and got my night clothes on. Laid down on the bed and began making calls so a few knew we had made it and we where both settled in.
Well I was talking on the phone to Sarah and Alisha when a roach came out of the alarm clock. I thought ewwwww weird! So I smashed it with my shoe and thought ok random bug. A few minutes later another one came out from underneath the phone. I thought okay not good. I smashed it and started to see a pattern.
Well for whatever reason the alarm clock and phone were infested with these little creatures. So I called down to the front desk and told them they needed to spray the room while I was out tomorrow. My parents and daughter were coming down to bring my stuff from Washington D.C. and didn’t need roaches as extra guests. They said that was fine sorry for an inconvenience yadayadayada.
So all night I was more worried about roaches then I was getting rest for a long day tomorrow.
At about 7 that next morning I just went on and got up and took a shower and got dressed to ride the shuttle over to the VA. I was meeting with the TBI docs and the head of the hospital at 9am but wanted to see Clinton first. They were more laid back here when it came to family. I would have unlimited times to see him. Whenever I got there I could just go on back regardless of what they were doing with him. I thought that was totally cool!
Well, they ended up moving him to the TBI unit that day and gave him a few days to rest up. They stuck him in a semi private room with 3 older gentlemen. Well they were ok but older men like loud TV’s they cough and gag all the time and aren’t the quietest things there are in this world. I specifically read that a brain injured patient needs quiet at all times with limited noise. This wasn’t the ideal situation for Clinton. So I started complaining and telling them I knew enough to know that he needed a quieter environment. Well they didn’t listen to me much until the Speech Therapist came in and tried a hearing test on him. Well obviously with all of the interference around he couldn’t hear and if he could then it would only be confusing and frustrating to him. Linda the speech therapist brought back a special set of earphones to use with him. What happened was so good to me.
She set them on his ears and turned off one side of the earphones and said hello. There was no reaction. You could tell on her face that wasn’t good. But it was the right side and they hadn’t checked his ears yet. So she switched sides. He was laying there with his eyes closed. She said this time I will let you say his name. She said don’t scream it just say it in an even tone. So I put the microphone up to my mouth and said Clinton. Well his eyes opened as wide as they could and he lifted his head up to the left, the side he heard his name. Linda and I both smiled and I started to cry. I knew he could hear me but no one would ever listened to me. It was always a look of disbelief like I was lying and I wasn’t. Every night I went back to the hotels and look up everything he would do that day. And when it was good it was good. I would go to bed knowing he was still there. The nights I didn’t find anything good I would cry myself to sleep. Wondering why I kept doing this to him, the girls his friends and family and me. Through this entire time I made sure to talk to him, read to him, play soft music that he liked, dvd’s that he liked, anything that would trigger a bit of familiarity.
So the next day they moved him into his own room.